Friday, July 07, 2006

An Eye Opening Experience (Warning: not for the faint of heart)

OK, this probably falls under the "too much information" category, but I went to the doctor today, and got more than I bargained for. Most of you know that I've had quite the struggle with anxiety, and the thought of going to the doctor is definitely not what the doctor ordered for those of us who get nervous at the thought of sharp needles (don't even bring up the dreaded rubber glove).

Well, needless to say, my doctor is very thorough. He asked me a few questions, and insulted my home town ("I'm surprised I can understand you. I've been to Lake Charles, and I have no idea what those Louisiana people are saying"), and then he directed me like a cow at a meat processing plant. I just blindly followed his every instruction! It's hard to remember the last time I was so completely under the spell of an authority figure. You'd have thought I was six years old again, following the instructions of my first grade teacher.

Not only did I get a shot, but I also had to go through the light-headed misery that comes when a person with General Anxiety Disorder gets their blood drawn by some lifeless, soul-less phlebotomist with no bedside manner. I swear this woman had shark eyes. Nothing's more creepy than shark eyes.

The worst part of the visit came when the doctor calmly asked me to drop my pants, and lean on that sanitized prefabricated cushion with the tissue paper draped across it like a coffee table runner. I swallowed hard, dropped my drawers, and listened carefully for the latex glove to pop against his clammy wrist. Then it happened. It's difficult to go into any detail here, but let's just say lubrication was involved, kind of like when you use liquid soap to get a ring off of your finger, except not like that at all.

Anyway, even though my appointment was at 7:30AM, I was certainly not sleepy when I left. I managed to get out of there with updated shots and records, but I also lost something pretty important. Noticeably missing from my person when I left was my dignity. Oh well, I guess it's better to lose your dignity for a day than to find out you've got prostate cancer. I think I'll take that trade any time.

No spiritual message here. I just thought I'd share with you the kind of stuff you go through when your doctor decides to get serious about your health. It's a pretty eye opening experience!


Doug said...

Okay, while we're sharing here, I've been having a "relationship" with my uro's index finger for longer than I would care to admit. Not only am I at that age now, but somehow I picked up a pretty nasty case of non-bacterial prostatitis somewhere along the way.

Is it fun to put yourself in this position and have a guy "check you" in the most embarrassing way imaginable? Absolutely not. But if you want to have a little fun with it, try some of these next time:

-Bring along some candles and tell your doc you just wanted to set the mood.

-Bring him flowers and some wine

-Tell him you never let anyone do that on the first date.

-Tell him you'd prefer to talk first, you know, just get to know him better.

-Check his fingers and tell him you'd really like him to start an exercise regimen to slim those digits down before entering your "secret garden."

-In the middle of it all, wistfully say that he's got a gentler touch than your mom

-Tell him you've been nervous about his, so you've been practicing at home.

-During the procedure, ask him if he can find your TV remote.

-Tell him he's got long fingers and that your throat hurts now.

Okay, just a few ideas for your next visit. Relax, every guy has to do it. Just be grateful you're not a woman!


r! said...


charlieb67 said...

overshare Steve!

ryan said...

ok. i was going to crack a joke here but Doug has gone waaaaay beyond anything i could have thought of.
Doug: brilliant work
Steve: let me know if you and the doc ever need a babysitter.

Nate said...

Entertaining, both the post and the comments. :-) As much as a prostate type exam can be. I'll have to remember some of dougs suggestions when I get to be that old. ;-)