Monday, August 14, 2006
The Evolution of Grumpy
Man, I'm grumpy today. I told a little white lie to my wife last night, and she caught me (I told her I changed the filter on the A/C, and I didn't. What a stupid lie!), I missed a deadline at work, and it's haunting me, and a good friend informed me that a ministry I'm involved with isn't doing so well. I'm not upset about these things as much as I am just angry. It's irritating to live this life!!
I find myself asking, "why can't everybody just leave me alone!", but I still have this desire to be around people. I hate being alone, but I also hate the pressure and responsibility I face each day. What a silly, confused little man I am.
Today is the staff day of prayer, and we heard a beautiful message from Jackie Roese, our women's pastor. Jackie's such a gifted communicator. She summed up my frustrations, and led me to see the one thing that I need in order to continue to live this life with joy instead of grumpy irritation. She spoke of Martha and her tendency to value "distractions" more than a place of honor and knowledge at the feet of Jesus. I could relate.
So what does it mean to sit at the feet of Jesus? Maybe it's that sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seet kind of listening that you do when you hear to a song that is saying something important and moving. Maybe it's living life with the same kind of optimistic anticipation that you have when your favorite team runs onto the field for the first game. Maybe it's confessing all your anger and frustration on a blog and learning as you write that Jesus loves you and will give you peace... even though you're a liar, a deadline misser, and a manager of a failed ministry. Maybe it's just taking the time to sort it all out and be still.
I'm calm now, and Jesus has done his thing with me again. He has shown me that I'm deeply flawed, but his love is deeper. He's given me a desire to love and know him, not by making me feel bad and guilty, but by reaching down in grace to pick me up, dust me off, and send me on the way. He's been good to me. I'm not so grumpy anymore.