Thursday, October 19, 2006

My 3 Year Old Mystery


Pierce is with me at church today. He keeps flipping though the Bible, probably because he likes the way the pages feel. He's the easiest child in the world to entertain: put a book or toy in front of him and sit back and watch him go. All you'll hear for the next two hours is rapidly flipping pages and guttural murmurings. Such is the life of a 3 year old mystery.

He's as beautiful as ever, but I'd give my heart and soul to know what's going on in that little beautiful head of his. If I let it, I could be constantly distracted by concerns over his future. Will he ever be able to drive a car? Does he have the capacity or interest to have a romantic relationship? Can he know God? Those are the kinds of things you never think you'll think about with normal kids, but with an Autistic child, those thoughts bounce around your mind like a shiny silver pinball.

Man, he sure is cute! I just love him, but sometimes I don't know why. Of course there's the fact that he's mine, but aside from that the rules are so changed that I don't know how to reconcile things. I don't really know Pierce. We've never had a conversation. He's never said "I love you." It's hard to say whether or not we've even bonded. Yet I love him with all my heart. Not sure how that works, but I'm glad it does.

I don't know why I wrote this today except for the fact that he's right here with me, humming some version of "This Old Man" while again flipping through my Bible. I guess if I can know God, it's not much more of a miracle to think that he could too. It's the same grace that saved my wretched soul, the same grace that allows me to love even though I don't know why. And the mystery continues...

3 comments:

Chad Freeman said...

I am brought to tears when I think of you and your son. I must be honest and say that I hope I never know the depths that you travel due to your sons condition. But, I can only hope I know how to love the wayyou do, inspit of the "normal" parts of a father/ son relationship that you might never have. Beautiful, what a great word to describe your son... Beautiful, what a great way to decribe the heart of a honest father! You rock Steve Hayes!

Anonymous said...

Pierce may already know God more than you imagine. He might not ever teach Systematic Theology. But he can certainly know God.

Stuart Smith said...

I hope that I can be half of the Daddy to my little girl that you are to your kids. I love you Bro and miss you. Thanks for sharing this.